As a grieving mother I recognize the need to give grieving parents permission to grieve. I would like to take this opportunity to offer parents that permission, recognize your emotions and needs, encourage you to take baby steps forward as you are able and to prompt you to go on as best you can.

Permission

In our society we are allowed to grieve, even encouraged to grieve, for a time. When that time period is over, usually around two years, then we are encouraged to stop grieving and move on with our life. Sometimes we are even encouraged to stop saying our child's name or reminiscing about our memories that would include our child. This can be a painful realization when that first occurs for each of us.

I want to personally give you permission to grieve, grieve as long as you need. As I write this to you today it has been four and half years after our Sara has passed away and it is easier for me today. There are some logistical things that will need to be accomplished after your child dies such as what to do with your child's belongings. Please take your time to make your decisions and know that whatever you decide is the right thing to do. This is very important to understand. This is your decision. Please don't allow anyone to pressure you into anything you are not comfortable with or ready for.

After Sara died we moved all her belongings back from her new condo into her room in our home. She had a great deal of possessions and she had not been moved out very long so I knew it would somehow still fit in her room. Friends had offered to take her clothes, she had many very beautiful clothes. I decided to simply put her room back the way it was and leave it that way. My husband allowed me to make this decision and supported me in it. For me to have her clothes in her closet and be able to visit her room was helpful. Yes, it was difficult but it was very helpful. I could still smell her on her clothes. I could still appreciate her sense of style by seeing her room decorated in the way she chose. I could walk through her room, smell her clothes, touch her things and in a sense visit her essence. I didn't go there to talk to her or seek her spirit. I went there to grieve and to cry and to heal, slowly. I know my husband did the same. We did this individually, alone with our thoughts and our anguish. This worked for us, but may not be what you decide.

Recognition

I remember the day my husband and son took Sara's TV from her room and put it in the living room and put the TV from the living room into my son's room. This left me completely disoriented. I grieved the moving of her TV. For me putting her TV where we could use it and appreciate it was very difficult and I really needed to work through it. The same was true for her camera. I felt guilty using her camera. I was encouraged by my husband and prompted to use it several times and today I am able to use her camera and her TV without the guilt. My emotions about two pieces of inanimate objects are not logical. Emotions are not logical. What I am trying to say is that its alright to have unreasonable emotions and recognize them as normal and begin to take baby steps to move forward. Please allow yourself to embrace your emotions, allow yourself to feel them as you prompt yourself to take baby steps. Often these baby steps were taken with my Sare BearŽ in my arms, truly.

It will be necessary to recognize that your pain will manifest itself in different ways and sometimes it will be in unreasonable emotions. Please recognize that your pain is causing your emotions and ride it out the best you can. Allow your family free movement even though you may feel uncomfortable with them and their activities and decisions in the process. Each member of the family is also grieving, in their own way. Just as its important for you to recognize your pain as it manifests itself please also recognize your family member's pain may also show itself in strange ways. Sometimes the only thing you can do to cope is just breathe. Take a breath, recognize its your pain or the pain of your loved one and go through the moment.

If there is a support group in your community I want to encourage you to attend the meetings. In our little community is a group that uses the tools developed by Daisy Ketchings with Umbrella Ministries to help bereaved mothers. It's a wonderful group and invites grieving mothers regardless of religion. Be sure to check your local newspaper calendar section, ask your funeral director, ask your pastor or physician for a support group in your area. Most groups allow you to bring a friend or spouse to help you the first few meetings. I know its difficult to imagine yourself sharing your pain with a group of strangers but in a way its almost easier. Somehow its not as threatening in the midst of strangers. I promise you will be welcomed and you will feel welcome there.

If you feel you need more help than what lay persons can provide please do not hesitate to seek counseling from a licensed professional. This is a reasonable help for someone with so much pain. Help is available for you and in most communities there are trained licensed professionals well equipped to help you at such a time as this.

Encourage

After Sara's funeral and after I had finished moving her back into her room I was offered lunch dates by many, many friends. These were wonderful for me. Initially, I thought how can I go to lunch, but I was able with encouragement to go and be in public. I felt like a woman with the scarlet letter on my chest that identified me as a grieving mother. I felt that all I could add to any interpersonal encounter was simply to identify myself as "Kim" and to say, "my daughter died". Truly that was 100% on my mind, completely occupied my mind and I couldn't imagine how I would be able to utter any other word.

Two weeks after our daughter's death my husband came home and announced that a family that had been away for the past month had no idea our Sara had died. They are devastated as we are and therefore he had invited them to come to our home the following Saturday and we were going to tell them our story and show them the video that we showed at Sara's funeral. I couldn't believe he had done such a thing. At this point Dan was doing a very good job speaking about his grief. His work kept him in the public and those he encountered were welcoming him with sympathy and encouragement. I was not at the point he was on the linear grief scale. I was angry at his invitation, knowing this would be a very painful day for me. But I got through it. It was this day of Dan's insistence that began my grief journey, allowing me to begin to speak my grief.

What I discovered was that I cried through almost every lunch in every restaurant. I attended a few aerobics classes and finally realized my courage wasn't strong enough. This was the place Sara went with me and now I was here alone. The gym was too hard for me. Returning to my Spanish class was also something that very much involved my daughter, so after a few weeks I dropped it. Just being on the college campus was too difficult for me.

Finally, after serious attempts and courageous efforts of public exposure I realized only the one on one lunch dates were beneficial for me. These allowed me to speak, share my grief and my feelings which ultimately were the most helpful for me. I want to encourage you to accept any invitations and attempt a return to normalcy. You will discover what you are able to do and what you are not. Allow yourself to try and then do what you are able. Eventually you will be able to return to work and other activities as you did before your child died. When you will be able to return to each activity is different for everyone, don't pressure yourself. Be encouraged to try, baby steps forward. You will find yourself smile spontaneously one day and then you will know that, somehow, you will make it.

Prompt

I want to prompt you to care for yourself, especially now. Its important for you to take vitamins, choose healthy foods in your diet, try to sleep during the night, get some exercise every day. I imagine this sounds inappropriate at such a time. I know that after your child dies all you want to do is die, too. I know this. But you can't die, and you mustn't.

Its cliché to say that your family needs you, but they do and you need them.

At this time of immense pain you are unable to look at your future in the way you had before. Setting goals for your future seems unimaginable because your future has just died with your child. I understand this with you.

My husband was very helpful prompting me to do each next thing as I was able. Mostly I needed to be able to prompt myself to move forward. I wrote down all the things about Sara I could think of that I wanted to never forget, like her favorite food and restaurant, her favorite clothes, her likes and dislikes, etc. I was worried about forgetting any tiny detail of her life and I found that writing these things down helped me get rid of that worry. Perhaps this will be a good exercise for you.

If you have ever been artistic or shown any artistic inclination in the past you may want to consider it again today. Painting and drawing can be very comforting. Working with clay, using your hands to create something may be just what you need right now. Sewing, quilting and crafts in whichever form you have enjoyed in the past may be just what you need right now. I want to prompt you to attempt an activity that may not necessarily cause you to think but will cause you to actively release some of your energy.

If you have ever been active please try to keep up some form of your past activity. If you have tended to be more sedentary, today is a good day to begin taking a daily walk. You will find it can be a real stress reliever.

I'm a voracious reader so I read a new novel and even though it didn't do anything to help me, it did allow me the opportunity to escape my pain for a bit. Swimming is my activity of choice and I find great comfort in the water. Discover which activity can be comfortable for you and continue in it. Being active is important and it helps to pass the time. Please limit fictional reading because it may delay your grief recovery and making pain last longer is not our goal for you.

If you have any inclination towards God I want to encourage you to read your Bible. As you may have read in our email letter describing the passing of our daughter we are a believing family. We gain the most comfort from God and the study of His word. Because of our relationship with Jesus we are comforted in the knowledge of where our Sara is today. After she died we had so many other questions and all our answers were available for us in the Bible.

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18 Show God your pain and He is faithful to comfort you. I promise.

If you have never asked Jesus into your heart and you wonder if He is real then I want to encourage you to ask Him. Jesus is faithful to show Himself real to you. He will forgive your sins and wrap His loving arms around you and show you He cares.

After Sara died I felt as though I was encased in a giant thimble, hard on the outside to protect me from the world and cushioned on the inside with giant cotton balls comforting my broken bleeding heart. Everywhere I went I was still inside the giant thimble, comforted, protected and I knew He was there protecting me, comforting me.

He will comfort you too if you let Him.

Practical Help

Protect your marriage. Above all else, protect your marriage. You will grieve differently, at different rates. Allow each other that option. There will be times when one of you has anger for no apparent reason. Allow it. There will be times when in-laws will meddle, respect each other's needs in this area. Your spouse is more important than the extended family. Don't allow extended family or friends to dictate to you during this time. Without meaning to they could damage your marriage. Your husband is more important than your mother.

Remember that grandparents are grieving as well. Perhaps you can allow them to have something that was a possession of your child's. You know they will treasure it. As you and your spouse grieve differently so do each set of grandparents. Be supportive but not at the expense of your spouse. This should be a time for family unity so avoid any conflict if possible. When choices must be made your spouse is your first concern.

Sometimes we are the cause of the death of our child because we drove the car at the time of the accident or what ever the circumstance might be. These parents carry an especially heavy guilt. I want to urge you to seek licensed professional help. Your pain is the greatest of all of us and help should not be avoided. Please try to release the guilt. This may seem impossible. Counseling is a wonderful tool that you may discover to be a great help for you. Please consider it.

If your child died by suicide I know you are suffering immensely as well. I imagine there have been those who have said some very unpleasant things to you. I would also like to especially encourage you to seek counseling with a licensed practitioner. This counselor may be your safety net, someone to offer you strength to get through the next months.

Again, I would urge every grieving parent to read the Bible for all your answers. If you are so inclined begin a family Bible study. This will become a precious time for you and it will help to rebuild your family unit. For the next couple years after our Sara died we had a Bible study that only lasted 15 minutes before school every morning. We gathered at the kitchen table where I would read, Roman would eat his cereal and after, Dan would pray for all of us. This was very helpful for us on many levels. We abandoned it due to crazy schedules after Roman was more involved with sports in high school, but while we were able, we enjoyed it very much.

Some family traditions will become even more precious. Some family traditions will become extinct. Whether your family continues your traditions or creates new ones is really up to your immediate family. Allow yourself to flow easily into the next years. You will get your cues from your surviving children and your husband.

Should you continue to remember your deceased child's birthday? That is completely up to you. In our family we remember Sara's birthday by cooking her favorite birthday meal and cake. We don't sing Happy Birthday but we enjoy the food and recognize the day. We usually also visit the grave on that day. This works for us but it may not work for you. You will discover what works for you. Some things will appear particularly important to your family and others won't. If a child of yours wants to continue something that you are uncomfortable with, try it at first for your child's sake. It may be important to their grief process or to their memory of your beloved child.

Always remember you are not alone. You can go forward one tiny step at a time. Do the simple things, make lists to help you accomplish what needs to be done. Just breathe. Pray. Read the Bible. Remember you are not alone. Jesus loves you.